Six winning coin tosses in a row! Lady Luck has hit it big in the Iowa caucuses by the flip of a silver quarter. But that should be no surprise; money has always worked in Hillary Clinton’s favor. I look forward to the next tie breaker by way of thumb war or paper/rocks/scissors at the next state’s electoral primary. Will Bernie get his game on? Or shall we prepare ourselves to see the Empress of Ice Cream* bulldoze her way back into the White House via forces beyond our control? Then again, at this point, what difference does it make?
*The only emperor is the emperor of ice cream in reference to Wallace Steven’s poem “The Emperor of Ice Cream”.
Here are ten things Hillary Clinton will do as President of the United States.
1) Email the FBI a note of thanks, on a secure network of course.
2) Have the First Husband expand the West Wing into a “woman’s think tank” to keep Bill occupied.
3) Revise Obamacare to be reintroduced as
4) Appoints Chelsea a seat at the United Nations for homework.
5) Makes Huma Abedin her White House Chief of Staff codenaming her “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” to mimic the Muslim Brotherhood.
6) Invite Vladimir Putin over to the White House to challenge her to a game of Russian roulette to demonstrate who has more brains and balls. NOTE: Gun made in China.
7) Ensure Vice President Bernie Sanders that she will let him out of his pet crate for occasional bathroom breaks.
8) Replace Michelle Obama’s organic garden with a goat pen because “(blood) sacrifices must be made.”
9) Rehire Monica as an intern to make Lewinsky her bitch.
10) Will ask Goldman Sachs for a significant raise.
This corpse bag is a step up in terms of creepiness versus all the predictable cotton-candy-cute costumes I wore as a child: (Warning: I may lose you readers here via BLAHHHHH…) ballerina, French maid, generic pre-Disney princess (of what I still haven’t determined), Alice in Wonderland (sporting Frida Kahlo eyebrows), and seriously pissed-off little beaner girl (the year my parents decided we wouldn’t participate in the devil’s party).
How I wish I could, for once, look sexy on Halloween…on Christmas…on New Years… and on National Cat Day too for that matter. But I wish for a lot of things. The following are celebrity costumes I wish I could see on other celebrities.
A) Miley Cyrus as Helen Keller
B) Pope Francis as a skateboarding Tony Hawk
C) Clock Boy as the iWatch
D) Caitlyn Jenner as Bruce Jenner
E) Barbara Walters as Whoopie Goldberg
F) El Chapo as Donald Trump
G) Justin Beiber mocking Justin Beiber
H) Beyoncé as a bucket of KFC (original recipe chicken)
I) Hillary Clinton as Monica Lewinsky
J) The Geico Lizard as Flo from Progressive Insurance
K) Oprah as Bill Cosby
L) Kayne West as Kim Kardashian (ironically, this seems to be slowly happening anyway with each fashion event they attend)
HONORABLE MENTIONS a.k.a. The Ones My Husband Declared “Crappy”
M) Snoopy as Grumpy Cat
N) a copper penny as rapper 50 Cent
O) Tom Brady as a La-Z-boy recliner
P) My 2001 Hundai Elantra dressed as 2015 Tesla electric car
Q) The Swiffer Mop as Paris Hilton
R) Oscar the Grouch as anti-gay-marriage activist Kim Davis