Tag Archives: Hillary Clinton

Ten Things Hillary Will Do As President

Incisors

“Incisors”, 2009. Collage by Amanda Langley

 

Six winning coin tosses in a row! Lady Luck has hit it big in the Iowa caucuses by the flip of a silver quarter. But that should be no surprise; money has always worked in Hillary Clinton’s favor. I look forward to the next tie breaker by way of thumb war or paper/rocks/scissors at the next state’s electoral primary. Will Bernie get his game on? Or shall we prepare ourselves to see the Empress of Ice Cream* bulldoze her way back into the White House via forces beyond our control? Then again, at this point, what difference does it make? 

*The only emperor is the emperor of ice cream in reference to Wallace Steven’s poem “The Emperor of Ice Cream”.

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Barefoot Servants: Monica Lewinsky’s feet above the rest.

Here are ten things Hillary Clinton will do as President of the United States.

1) Email the FBI a note of thanks, on a secure network of course.

2) Have the First Husband expand the West Wing into a “woman’s think tank” to keep Bill occupied.

3) Revise Obamacare to be reintroduced as Hillercare Killercare.

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Dears in Headlights or Sistas in the Hood?

 

4) Appoints Chelsea a seat at the United Nations for homework.

5) Makes Huma Abedin her White House Chief of Staff codenaming her “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” to mimic the Muslim Brotherhood.

Hillary Clinton

Lady MacClinton takes the throne.

 

6) Invite Vladimir Putin over to the White House to challenge her to a game of Russian roulette to demonstrate who has more brains and balls. NOTE: Gun made in China.

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Hillary’s nightmare: Putin and his trigger finger.

7) Ensure Vice President Bernie Sanders that she will let him out of his pet crate for occasional bathroom breaks.

8) Replace Michelle Obama’s organic garden with a goat pen because “(blood) sacrifices must be made.”

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Michelle’s organic garden not exactly cannabis friendly.

9) Rehire Monica as an intern to make Lewinsky her bitch.

10) Will ask Goldman Sachs for a significant raise.

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Jack “Jackie” Hammer endorses Hillary for authentic girl power!

 

 

Hillary’s Monica Lewinsky Costume and Other Must-See Halloween Treats

Celebrities-Wearing-Same-Halloween-Costumes[1]

“Nothing wrong here,” said Jared from Subway sandwich fame.

“Satan’s Birthday”, as my Southern Baptist upbringing has referred to Halloween, is at hand again. But my dilemma is not with witches casting spells on me…I gave them the night off. NOR am I worried about what to get Lucifer…I sent him a copy of Donald Trump’s book “The Art of the Deal” which I am sure both will appreciate. What I can’t seem to come up with is an idea on how to sexify my very unsexy Halloween costume.  While my friends and family members flash selfies of themselves as sexy cops, sexy (illegal?) aliens, and sexy bananas, I will be swimming and drowning in my blimp-sized body bag which covers more skin than Mother Theresa’s Sunday best. Possibilities? There is one…though flashing for this old hag is not an option when your boobs tend to be perkier postmortem.

My Halloween costume for 2015. The only thing I will turn on are maggots.

My Halloween costume for 2015. The only thing I will turn on are maggots.

This corpse bag is a step up in terms of creepiness versus all the predictable cotton-candy-cute costumes I wore as a child: (Warning: I may lose you readers here via BLAHHHHH…) ballerina, French maid, generic pre-Disney princess (of what I still haven’t determined), Alice in Wonderland (sporting Frida Kahlo eyebrows), and seriously pissed-off little beaner girl (the year my parents decided we wouldn’t participate in the devil’s party).

Not the first nor the last clown this Dolly Parton princess will be escorted by. Fake hair courtesy Grandma's wigs.

Not the first nor the last clown this Dolly Parton princess will be escorted by. Fake hair courtesy Grandma’s wigs.

How I wish I could, for once, look sexy on Halloween…on Christmas…on New Years… and on National Cat Day too for that matter. But I wish for a lot of things. The following are celebrity costumes I wish I could see on other celebrities.

A) Miley Cyrus as Helen Keller

B) Pope Francis as a skateboarding Tony Hawk

Coming soon to a skate shop near you.

Coming soon to a skate shop near you.

C) Clock Boy as the iWatch

D) Caitlyn Jenner as Bruce Jenner

E) Barbara Walters as Whoopie Goldberg

Helen Keller feeling up First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt. Miley Cyrus should take some lessons from a master!

Helen Keller feeling up First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt. Miley Cyrus should take some lessons from a master!

F) El Chapo as Donald Trump

G) Justin Beiber mocking Justin Beiber

El Chapo and the Don bust a move. The best pinatas money and drugs can buy.

El Chapo and the Don bust a move. The best pinatas money and drugs can buy.

H) Beyoncé as a bucket of KFC (original recipe chicken)

Southern Fried: Looks like Beyoncé loves to roll around with her chicken.

Southern Fried: Looks like Beyoncé loves to roll around with her chicken.

I) Hillary Clinton as Monica Lewinsky

J) The Geico Lizard as Flo from Progressive Insurance

K) Oprah as Bill Cosby

Oprah channeling Bill Cosby...that's no joke.

Oprah channeling Bill Cosby…that’s no joke.

L) Kayne West as Kim Kardashian (ironically, this seems to be slowly happening anyway with each fashion event they attend)

HONORABLE MENTIONS a.k.a. The Ones My Husband Declared “Crappy”

M) Snoopy as Grumpy Cat

N) a copper penny as rapper 50 Cent

O) Tom Brady as a La-Z-boy recliner

Good old Grumpy Cat...too busy spending his millions on gold kitty litter.

Good old Grumpy Cat…too busy spending his millions on gold kitty litter.

P) My 2001 Hundai Elantra dressed as 2015 Tesla electric car

Q) The Swiffer Mop as Paris Hilton

R) Oscar the Grouch as anti-gay-marriage activist Kim Davis

Slimey gets hitched. Grouches be haters.

Slimey gets hitched. Grouches be haters.

HAPPY HALLOWEENIE!!!

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