Category Archives: humor

Ten Things Hillary Will Do As President

Incisors

“Incisors”, 2009. Collage by Amanda Langley

 

Six winning coin tosses in a row! Lady Luck has hit it big in the Iowa caucuses by the flip of a silver quarter. But that should be no surprise; money has always worked in Hillary Clinton’s favor. I look forward to the next tie breaker by way of thumb war or paper/rocks/scissors at the next state’s electoral primary. Will Bernie get his game on? Or shall we prepare ourselves to see the Empress of Ice Cream* bulldoze her way back into the White House via forces beyond our control? Then again, at this point, what difference does it make? 

*The only emperor is the emperor of ice cream in reference to Wallace Steven’s poem “The Emperor of Ice Cream”.

Monica-Lewinsky-Feet-805319[1]

Barefoot Servants: Monica Lewinsky’s feet above the rest.

Here are ten things Hillary Clinton will do as President of the United States.

1) Email the FBI a note of thanks, on a secure network of course.

2) Have the First Husband expand the West Wing into a “woman’s think tank” to keep Bill occupied.

3) Revise Obamacare to be reintroduced as Hillercare Killercare.

thQ7P8OCU9

Dears in Headlights or Sistas in the Hood?

 

4) Appoints Chelsea a seat at the United Nations for homework.

5) Makes Huma Abedin her White House Chief of Staff codenaming her “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” to mimic the Muslim Brotherhood.

Hillary Clinton

Lady MacClinton takes the throne.

 

6) Invite Vladimir Putin over to the White House to challenge her to a game of Russian roulette to demonstrate who has more brains and balls. NOTE: Gun made in China.

putin_finger[1]

Hillary’s nightmare: Putin and his trigger finger.

7) Ensure Vice President Bernie Sanders that she will let him out of his pet crate for occasional bathroom breaks.

8) Replace Michelle Obama’s organic garden with a goat pen because “(blood) sacrifices must be made.”

169343-u-s-first-lady-michelle-obama-harvests-the-white-house-kitchen-garden-[1]

Michelle’s organic garden not exactly cannabis friendly.

9) Rehire Monica as an intern to make Lewinsky her bitch.

10) Will ask Goldman Sachs for a significant raise.

12654538_1004949342875542_2832567955176956385_n[1]

Jack “Jackie” Hammer endorses Hillary for authentic girl power!

 

 

Hillary’s Monica Lewinsky Costume and Other Must-See Halloween Treats

Celebrities-Wearing-Same-Halloween-Costumes[1]

“Nothing wrong here,” said Jared from Subway sandwich fame.

“Satan’s Birthday”, as my Southern Baptist upbringing has referred to Halloween, is at hand again. But my dilemma is not with witches casting spells on me…I gave them the night off. NOR am I worried about what to get Lucifer…I sent him a copy of Donald Trump’s book “The Art of the Deal” which I am sure both will appreciate. What I can’t seem to come up with is an idea on how to sexify my very unsexy Halloween costume.  While my friends and family members flash selfies of themselves as sexy cops, sexy (illegal?) aliens, and sexy bananas, I will be swimming and drowning in my blimp-sized body bag which covers more skin than Mother Theresa’s Sunday best. Possibilities? There is one…though flashing for this old hag is not an option when your boobs tend to be perkier postmortem.

My Halloween costume for 2015. The only thing I will turn on are maggots.

My Halloween costume for 2015. The only thing I will turn on are maggots.

This corpse bag is a step up in terms of creepiness versus all the predictable cotton-candy-cute costumes I wore as a child: (Warning: I may lose you readers here via BLAHHHHH…) ballerina, French maid, generic pre-Disney princess (of what I still haven’t determined), Alice in Wonderland (sporting Frida Kahlo eyebrows), and seriously pissed-off little beaner girl (the year my parents decided we wouldn’t participate in the devil’s party).

Not the first nor the last clown this Dolly Parton princess will be escorted by. Fake hair courtesy Grandma's wigs.

Not the first nor the last clown this Dolly Parton princess will be escorted by. Fake hair courtesy Grandma’s wigs.

How I wish I could, for once, look sexy on Halloween…on Christmas…on New Years… and on National Cat Day too for that matter. But I wish for a lot of things. The following are celebrity costumes I wish I could see on other celebrities.

A) Miley Cyrus as Helen Keller

B) Pope Francis as a skateboarding Tony Hawk

Coming soon to a skate shop near you.

Coming soon to a skate shop near you.

C) Clock Boy as the iWatch

D) Caitlyn Jenner as Bruce Jenner

E) Barbara Walters as Whoopie Goldberg

Helen Keller feeling up First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt. Miley Cyrus should take some lessons from a master!

Helen Keller feeling up First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt. Miley Cyrus should take some lessons from a master!

F) El Chapo as Donald Trump

G) Justin Beiber mocking Justin Beiber

El Chapo and the Don bust a move. The best pinatas money and drugs can buy.

El Chapo and the Don bust a move. The best pinatas money and drugs can buy.

H) Beyoncé as a bucket of KFC (original recipe chicken)

Southern Fried: Looks like Beyoncé loves to roll around with her chicken.

Southern Fried: Looks like Beyoncé loves to roll around with her chicken.

I) Hillary Clinton as Monica Lewinsky

J) The Geico Lizard as Flo from Progressive Insurance

K) Oprah as Bill Cosby

Oprah channeling Bill Cosby...that's no joke.

Oprah channeling Bill Cosby…that’s no joke.

L) Kayne West as Kim Kardashian (ironically, this seems to be slowly happening anyway with each fashion event they attend)

HONORABLE MENTIONS a.k.a. The Ones My Husband Declared “Crappy”

M) Snoopy as Grumpy Cat

N) a copper penny as rapper 50 Cent

O) Tom Brady as a La-Z-boy recliner

Good old Grumpy Cat...too busy spending his millions on gold kitty litter.

Good old Grumpy Cat…too busy spending his millions on gold kitty litter.

P) My 2001 Hundai Elantra dressed as 2015 Tesla electric car

Q) The Swiffer Mop as Paris Hilton

R) Oscar the Grouch as anti-gay-marriage activist Kim Davis

Slimey gets hitched. Grouches be haters.

Slimey gets hitched. Grouches be haters.

HAPPY HALLOWEENIE!!!

When to Take Lamar Odom Meming

You know you’ve had a rough week when your home care nurse runs her Honda into the side of your house (luckily for you, she missed me by a couple cluttered rooms)

House Crash

Home care gone wild? The perks of nursing me to health.

or your favorite ex-Kardashian star is recovering from too much penile performance drugs. So where should one turn to in order to take back some control? One turns to the healing art of MEMING (or MEMEING?). Somehow, I was like many of you out there, recycling the same old Grumpy Cat memes, totally oblivious to taking creative power into my own hands. But a scary thing happened on the way to my smartphone yesterday: I MEMED UP.

Though I was tempted to upload my own photos of ex-boyfriends or strange animals (same difference) to meme, I wanted a real challenge. I would only use the generic photos my “free” meme app would throw at me.

Here are the 20 rookie memes (in no particular ranking order) I came up with in less than 2 hours to get Lamar up and “functioning” again. Feel free to pick and recycle the worst of them. Leave a comment as to your favorites.

NOTE: If any of these memes happen to look or sound like any other previous memes floating on the internet, it is by sheer bad luck on their part (aka “coincidence”).

1)

170

2)

130

3)

175

4)

126

5)

131

6)

163

7)

164

8)

173

9)

166

10)

169

11)

165

12)

174

13)

177

14)

176

15)

167

16)

178

17)

172

18)

168

19)17120)

179

Lion Burgers and Life Long Regrets

“Damn it. Why didn’t I eat that donkey burger that was offered to me when I had that layover in Hong Kong?” Such a question is one that I doubt comes to mind when someone is spread eagle on their death bed, staring at the glittery pop-corn (or mirrored?) ceiling, conscious of their last moments on this earth. But what about lion, tiger, or skunk burger instead?*** You never know what people may regret depending on what geographical location they reside in. I’ll stick to my American bred, GMO fed, hormone injected, fly dung sautéed, mad cow for now. Maybe Hopefully as punishment, in some future dimension of time, cattle will have me with a side of fries.

donkey%20burger%20tastes%20like%20ass[1]

In the meantime, as I adjust my chemically polluted body (We here in California call it “building up an autoimmune tolerance” much like we build up shades of a spray tan.),  I shall wallow in all the things I have not (yet?) done and wish I had done!

1)  Steal (more):  Besides Kristy Massey’s beautiful satin ribbon awarded to her for “most original story” which I stole from her messy desk in 3rd grade (I guess my own story about an octopus that floats across the beach sand ‘cuz he hates getting water up his nose didn’t warrant a book deal at age 10.), I can’t recall stealing anything. Or maybe I can’t recall stealing anything that I felt guilty about enough to remember? Thinking about all the money I could have saved by swiping toilet paper rolls from public restrooms for the last 40 yrs. makes me want to flush myself down the old commode. This is one of the side effects of being “raised right” in a church going family. Well, lock your holy sanctuary’s shitters, ‘cuz I am coming for your tee-pee.

2)  Purchased ridiculous domain names:  Back in the early to mid 90’s, I had the opportunity to purchase http://www.kissmyass.com. Today, it is now just another dull, predictable porn site set up by some asshole who thinks life revolves around his weenie puppet. God has spared all my enemies I guess, because he knows I would have plastered their faces all over that domain. Or maybe they are already there?

3)  Adore snakes:  It is not that I hate snakes. I somehow have not developed a relationship with them that would be considered passionately affectionate. I actually feel snakes and I have some things in common. It’s not their fault they were born freakishly without ears and legs; It’s not my fault I was born without a chin and ear lobes. I sympathize with their plight. Nevertheless, is that enough to love them like I do puppies and unhatched eggs? I’m still working on this one.

A snake kissy-poo. Another reason to love 'em.

A snake kissy-poo. Another reason to love ’em.

4)  Avoid LinkedIn:  As God said to Moses when the prophet ran out of space to chisel the 11th commandment, “Enough said.”

Talk about getting

Talk about getting “hooked up” with a job.

5)  Had a mug shot:  Not sure if I just don’t look deviant or innocent enough to have one or not, but I have yet to be granted this civil privilege. Instead, I’ll take a shot of sake out of my Charlie Brown mug to compensate.

6)  Trip someone: …physically, on purpose, anyhow. I’ve mooned, tit-flashed, flicked boogers, cut, punched, bit, shoved, and even Vulcan-pinched a person. I can’t say why I have avoided this Charlie Chaplin of Bruce Lee moves.

Defensive tripping: Bruce Lee approves.

Defensive tripping: Bruce Lee approves.

7)  Graduated hypnotist school:  Attended? Yes. Graduated? No.

Some creepy hypnotist. One reason to avoid hypnotist school.

Some creepy hypnotist. One reason to avoid hypnotist school.

8)  Built my own canoe:  So I have an excuse to grow a grizzly beard filled with food crumbs and lethal bacteria that could wipe out overly-zealous vegans from Los Angeles to Lower Manhattan. (NOTE: Being born a hairy woman, this is feasible.)

Current canoe builder?

Current canoe builder?

9)  Learn Calculus:  To understand Satan’s poetry, one must speak in numbers, think numbers, breathe numbers, BECOME NUMBERS. Without knowing calculus, I feel I’m a zero. I guess, every Einstein’s got to start somewhere.

...because I don't know what the hell it is.

…because I don’t know what the hell it is.

10) Joined the A-Cyber-Sexual Movement at age 1: I find it deplorable when I realize that no one told me I had the right to declare myself a robot to avoid all human physical contact. So many dickheads I could have avoided, literally.  So many squawking woman preaching to me about what I “could become”… all banished if had just declared myself an “IT”.  But damn it, machines can’t eat burgers…lion, skunk, nor donkey burgers neither. So here’s to being a crazy human instead!!! Lesson: NO Regrets until after lunch.

***Note: No animals were maimed, killed, nor consumed in this post.

Predictions for the Year 3000: Mother’s Day Edition

20120110_20_38_WalterMercado_Sit[1]

My muse, Walter Mercado: The Liberace of Fortune Tellers

Oh Mother’s Day, sweet old Mother’s Day. A day for thanking your mom for all those meals she cooked (fish sticks still frozen in the center?), all those toys she bought you (a mini broom to “play sweep”?) , and all those funky DNA strands that brought about your double chin and nearsightedness (ADHD anyone?). Considering what my own mother has passed onto yours truly through genetic makeup, I should have sued her years ago for having me. But, no. Today, I’ll thank her for passing on her mystical ability to see future events. So today, I dedicate my newest installment of MY (not her) predictions for the year 3000. For past editions of my predictions, enter “Predictions for the Year 3000” in search box at top right.

Gifted seer or CIA???Walter Mercado did predict that Hugo Chavez (Venezuela's Prez) would croak. But can he see the year 3000???

Gifted seer or CIA???Walter Mercado did predict that Hugo Chavez (Venezuela’s Prez) would croak. But can he see the year 3000???

1) Evolution will mutate the Kardashians down to an annoying form of foot fungus.

2) Cancer cells will be used to fuel spaceships.

3) The Rolling Clones will be taking their tour to a planet near you.

4) Laser bathing spas will overpopulate the planet Venus.

5) The United States swears in its 91st robot as president, but stays lukewarm to the idea of electing a female.

6) The Pacific Ocean will be sold by the gallon to make room for more real estate.

7) New York City gets revamped as New Warped City, still overcharging for castles built in the air.

8) The planet Oprah will eclipse the sun for a day in honor of Black History Month.

9) Breathing will run off megabytes.

10) The 122nd Amendment to the United States of America’s Bill of Rights will be ratified ensuring the right to marry your cloned self.

11) Crematories will cease to exist with the sun being readily available (NOTE: valid permit required during regular business hours 24-7).

12) Gummy bears will still taste awesome.

13) Holographic Visas will be required to cross the ozone layer.

14) Mind farts will be used in combat to create time warping worm holes.

15) Yoda, the Jedi Master, writes and publishes “The Force for Dummies” becoming a bestselling book.

Walter wants to wish you the Happiest of Mother's Days with MUCH MUCH LOVE!!!

Walter wants to wish you the Happiest of Mother’s Days with MUCH MUCH LOVE!!!

Ten Rock n Roll Artifacts I’d Like to See at the Hard Rock Cafe

John Lennon in his beloved stripped pajamas. Priceless rock memorabilia since Yoko's never touched them.

John Lennon in his beloved stripped pajamas. Priceless rock memorabilia since Yoko’s never touched them.

Ever wonder who curates all the rock n roll memorabilia at the Hard Rock Café? Well, I don’t. I do, however, contemplate on some of the artifacts displayed at various Hard Rock locations. Take, for instance, Jim Morrison’s leather pants at the clutter-filled Hollywood restaurant just down a ways from the actual one-star hotel he used to reside in. If the Lizard King had ever fallen for veganism, would a pair of flimsy cotton pants ever have the same effect on us? Nyet my friends ’til the end.

Jim Morrison's leather pants in detail. Note crotch stitches. Too much mojo risin' perhaps?

Jim Morrison’s leather pants in detail. Note crotch stitches. Too much mojo risin’ perhaps?

Or how about Izzy’s (Guns n Roses) acoustic guitar (also at the Hollywood Hard Rock Café) that helped shape the melodies to the song “Patience”? Did he ever imagine the sound hole would one day become home to a nest of spiders under museum lights? I’m ready for the Hard Rock to step up their game and really shock me with some truly Hard rock artifacts to get ahold of. The following are ten of my suggestions in no particular order.

1) Jimmy Page’s cocaine fingernail clipping from his “Stairway to Heaven” phase. I don’t care how many rehab centers he’s funded, Led Zeppelin has never been the same without the master guitarist’s china-white pixie dust. If only I could get Jimmy to turn on his hearing aids, maybe we’d get somewhere.

The hands that rocked the cradle and everything else. Jimmy page after clipping his nails?

The hands that rocked the cradle and everything else. Jimmy page after clipping his nails?

2) Sid Vicious’ toothbrush. For the obvious reason…did it even exist? The possibilities are pretty vacant for this Sex Pistol star.

Innocence Abroad: Sir Sid pre-killer phase. No teeth to brush!

Innocence Abroad: Sir Sid pre-killer phase. No teeth to brush!

3) Britney Spears’ green umbrella a-la-shaven head phase. When the poppy princess went on a rampage against the paparazzi a few years back, why didn’t anyone think of saving her arsenal? Think of all the money that umbrella could have raised if auctioned off to benefit the National Mental Health Association? Hit me baby one more time!

Britney busting a move with the infamous green umbrella. Hairdo courtesy B.S.

Britney busting a move with the infamous green umbrella. Hairdo courtesy B.S.

4) Janis Joplin’s diaphragm. Think the birth control, not the stuff making up her massive lungs (though that would be a first for the Hard Rock Café). Considering all the male groupies the hippie chick banged (lucky duckling!), I am sure her heart wasn’t the only piece of her she wouldn’t do without. Make love, not war..man!

5) Jimi Hendrix’s doodles. I know they’re out there…Jimi’s renderings…of flying nymphs and purple hazes (the Himalayas of hipness) sketched out for me copy and get tattooed on my chub rub. So who designed your ink? Joe the plumber?

6) Hank Williams, Hank William’s Jr., and Hank Williams III’s used socks. I want all three of their honky talk socks displayed separately under glass with a smelling tube to affix my nose to in order to judge who had the swampiest feet. Anyone else’s Hard Rock memorabilia can MOVE IT ON OVER as far as I am concerned for these shit kicking, bad-ass musicians.

Shelton Hank Williams III's thrashed cowboy boots. He had a hell of a pair of shoes to fill, that's for sure.

Shelton Hank Williams III’s thrashed cowboy boots. He had a hell of a pair of shoes to fill, that’s for sure.

7) Elvis’ rhinestone-studded toilet. OK,so that rock relic doesn’t actually exist, but wouldn’t such a throne be fit for The King of Rock n Roll? Miley Cyrus, shit your heart out.

Elvis Presley's certified hair being auctioned off. Just don't ask me what part of his body it was taken from.

Elvis Presley’s certified hair being auctioned off. Just don’t ask me what part of his body it was taken from.

8) Diana Ross’ ’60’s hairpieces. Considering how Ms. Ross is known to be less than amicable, I consider such memorabilia from the lean Supreme to be every hairdresser’s holy grail. These may be harder to come by than obtaining an electric guitar played by Beyoncé. No child, not gonna happen.  I love you Diana, but baby…where did our love go?

9) Marianne Faithfull’s cigarette butt. Imagine all the cigarette stubs left behind by Dame Marianne in Paris, in London, in New York, in donut shops and Cartier shops alike! Thousands of them! Now picture the Hard Rock Café handing them out as a kind memento on your way out the doors of one of their eateries. I’d take the stub straight to a DNA lab to extract her genius and clone her butt into the next millennium. Yes, folks that’s how much I adore the whiskey voice behind Metallica’s “The Memory Remains” background songstress forever blazing away. God save the queen!

Marianne Faithfull, forever up in smoke. Save her butt!

Marianne Faithfull, forever up in smoke. Save her butt!

10) Madonna’s shampoo collection. What every drag queen and bald person wants to see: the millions of shampoo bottles (assembled from 1985 to present day) that have kept Madge’s hair forever healthy despite all the chemicals that have been dumped on her head. Only Chernobyl could be more toxic than the Material Girl’s platinum locks by now. How are you still even alive my lady? By some sort of ray of light perhaps? She is definitely one lucky star.

%d bloggers like this: