Category Archives: fortune telling

Ten Things Hillary Will Do As President

Incisors

“Incisors”, 2009. Collage by Amanda Langley

 

Six winning coin tosses in a row! Lady Luck has hit it big in the Iowa caucuses by the flip of a silver quarter. But that should be no surprise; money has always worked in Hillary Clinton’s favor. I look forward to the next tie breaker by way of thumb war or paper/rocks/scissors at the next state’s electoral primary. Will Bernie get his game on? Or shall we prepare ourselves to see the Empress of Ice Cream* bulldoze her way back into the White House via forces beyond our control? Then again, at this point, what difference does it make? 

*The only emperor is the emperor of ice cream in reference to Wallace Steven’s poem “The Emperor of Ice Cream”.

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Barefoot Servants: Monica Lewinsky’s feet above the rest.

Here are ten things Hillary Clinton will do as President of the United States.

1) Email the FBI a note of thanks, on a secure network of course.

2) Have the First Husband expand the West Wing into a “woman’s think tank” to keep Bill occupied.

3) Revise Obamacare to be reintroduced as Hillercare Killercare.

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Dears in Headlights or Sistas in the Hood?

 

4) Appoints Chelsea a seat at the United Nations for homework.

5) Makes Huma Abedin her White House Chief of Staff codenaming her “Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants” to mimic the Muslim Brotherhood.

Hillary Clinton

Lady MacClinton takes the throne.

 

6) Invite Vladimir Putin over to the White House to challenge her to a game of Russian roulette to demonstrate who has more brains and balls. NOTE: Gun made in China.

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Hillary’s nightmare: Putin and his trigger finger.

7) Ensure Vice President Bernie Sanders that she will let him out of his pet crate for occasional bathroom breaks.

8) Replace Michelle Obama’s organic garden with a goat pen because “(blood) sacrifices must be made.”

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Michelle’s organic garden not exactly cannabis friendly.

9) Rehire Monica as an intern to make Lewinsky her bitch.

10) Will ask Goldman Sachs for a significant raise.

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Jack “Jackie” Hammer endorses Hillary for authentic girl power!

 

 

Predictions for the Year 3000: Mother’s Day Edition

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My muse, Walter Mercado: The Liberace of Fortune Tellers

Oh Mother’s Day, sweet old Mother’s Day. A day for thanking your mom for all those meals she cooked (fish sticks still frozen in the center?), all those toys she bought you (a mini broom to “play sweep”?) , and all those funky DNA strands that brought about your double chin and nearsightedness (ADHD anyone?). Considering what my own mother has passed onto yours truly through genetic makeup, I should have sued her years ago for having me. But, no. Today, I’ll thank her for passing on her mystical ability to see future events. So today, I dedicate my newest installment of MY (not her) predictions for the year 3000. For past editions of my predictions, enter “Predictions for the Year 3000” in search box at top right.

Gifted seer or CIA???Walter Mercado did predict that Hugo Chavez (Venezuela's Prez) would croak. But can he see the year 3000???

Gifted seer or CIA???Walter Mercado did predict that Hugo Chavez (Venezuela’s Prez) would croak. But can he see the year 3000???

1) Evolution will mutate the Kardashians down to an annoying form of foot fungus.

2) Cancer cells will be used to fuel spaceships.

3) The Rolling Clones will be taking their tour to a planet near you.

4) Laser bathing spas will overpopulate the planet Venus.

5) The United States swears in its 91st robot as president, but stays lukewarm to the idea of electing a female.

6) The Pacific Ocean will be sold by the gallon to make room for more real estate.

7) New York City gets revamped as New Warped City, still overcharging for castles built in the air.

8) The planet Oprah will eclipse the sun for a day in honor of Black History Month.

9) Breathing will run off megabytes.

10) The 122nd Amendment to the United States of America’s Bill of Rights will be ratified ensuring the right to marry your cloned self.

11) Crematories will cease to exist with the sun being readily available (NOTE: valid permit required during regular business hours 24-7).

12) Gummy bears will still taste awesome.

13) Holographic Visas will be required to cross the ozone layer.

14) Mind farts will be used in combat to create time warping worm holes.

15) Yoda, the Jedi Master, writes and publishes “The Force for Dummies” becoming a bestselling book.

Walter wants to wish you the Happiest of Mother's Days with MUCH MUCH LOVE!!!

Walter wants to wish you the Happiest of Mother’s Days with MUCH MUCH LOVE!!!

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