Ten Rock n Roll Artifacts I’d Like to See at the Hard Rock Cafe

John Lennon in his beloved stripped pajamas. Priceless rock memorabilia since Yoko's never touched them.

John Lennon in his beloved stripped pajamas. Priceless rock memorabilia since Yoko’s never touched them.

Ever wonder who curates all the rock n roll memorabilia at the Hard Rock Café? Well, I don’t. I do, however, contemplate on some of the artifacts displayed at various Hard Rock locations. Take, for instance, Jim Morrison’s leather pants at the clutter-filled Hollywood restaurant just down a ways from the actual one-star hotel he used to reside in. If the Lizard King had ever fallen for veganism, would a pair of flimsy cotton pants ever have the same effect on us? Nyet my friends ’til the end.

Jim Morrison's leather pants in detail. Note crotch stitches. Too much mojo risin' perhaps?

Jim Morrison’s leather pants in detail. Note crotch stitches. Too much mojo risin’ perhaps?

Or how about Izzy’s (Guns n Roses) acoustic guitar (also at the Hollywood Hard Rock Café) that helped shape the melodies to the song “Patience”? Did he ever imagine the sound hole would one day become home to a nest of spiders under museum lights? I’m ready for the Hard Rock to step up their game and really shock me with some truly Hard rock artifacts to get ahold of. The following are ten of my suggestions in no particular order.

1) Jimmy Page’s cocaine fingernail clipping from his “Stairway to Heaven” phase. I don’t care how many rehab centers he’s funded, Led Zeppelin has never been the same without the master guitarist’s china-white pixie dust. If only I could get Jimmy to turn on his hearing aids, maybe we’d get somewhere.

The hands that rocked the cradle and everything else. Jimmy page after clipping his nails?

The hands that rocked the cradle and everything else. Jimmy page after clipping his nails?

2) Sid Vicious’ toothbrush. For the obvious reason…did it even exist? The possibilities are pretty vacant for this Sex Pistol star.

Innocence Abroad: Sir Sid pre-killer phase. No teeth to brush!

Innocence Abroad: Sir Sid pre-killer phase. No teeth to brush!

3) Britney Spears’ green umbrella a-la-shaven head phase. When the poppy princess went on a rampage against the paparazzi a few years back, why didn’t anyone think of saving her arsenal? Think of all the money that umbrella could have raised if auctioned off to benefit the National Mental Health Association? Hit me baby one more time!

Britney busting a move with the infamous green umbrella. Hairdo courtesy B.S.

Britney busting a move with the infamous green umbrella. Hairdo courtesy B.S.

4) Janis Joplin’s diaphragm. Think the birth control, not the stuff making up her massive lungs (though that would be a first for the Hard Rock Café). Considering all the male groupies the hippie chick banged (lucky duckling!), I am sure her heart wasn’t the only piece of her she wouldn’t do without. Make love, not war..man!

5) Jimi Hendrix’s doodles. I know they’re out there…Jimi’s renderings…of flying nymphs and purple hazes (the Himalayas of hipness) sketched out for me copy and get tattooed on my chub rub. So who designed your ink? Joe the plumber?

6) Hank Williams, Hank William’s Jr., and Hank Williams III’s used socks. I want all three of their honky talk socks displayed separately under glass with a smelling tube to affix my nose to in order to judge who had the swampiest feet. Anyone else’s Hard Rock memorabilia can MOVE IT ON OVER as far as I am concerned for these shit kicking, bad-ass musicians.

Shelton Hank Williams III's thrashed cowboy boots. He had a hell of a pair of shoes to fill, that's for sure.

Shelton Hank Williams III’s thrashed cowboy boots. He had a hell of a pair of shoes to fill, that’s for sure.

7) Elvis’ rhinestone-studded toilet. OK,so that rock relic doesn’t actually exist, but wouldn’t such a throne be fit for The King of Rock n Roll? Miley Cyrus, shit your heart out.

Elvis Presley's certified hair being auctioned off. Just don't ask me what part of his body it was taken from.

Elvis Presley’s certified hair being auctioned off. Just don’t ask me what part of his body it was taken from.

8) Diana Ross’ ’60’s hairpieces. Considering how Ms. Ross is known to be less than amicable, I consider such memorabilia from the lean Supreme to be every hairdresser’s holy grail. These may be harder to come by than obtaining an electric guitar played by Beyoncé. No child, not gonna happen.  I love you Diana, but baby…where did our love go?

9) Marianne Faithfull’s cigarette butt. Imagine all the cigarette stubs left behind by Dame Marianne in Paris, in London, in New York, in donut shops and Cartier shops alike! Thousands of them! Now picture the Hard Rock Café handing them out as a kind memento on your way out the doors of one of their eateries. I’d take the stub straight to a DNA lab to extract her genius and clone her butt into the next millennium. Yes, folks that’s how much I adore the whiskey voice behind Metallica’s “The Memory Remains” background songstress forever blazing away. God save the queen!

Marianne Faithfull, forever up in smoke. Save her butt!

Marianne Faithfull, forever up in smoke. Save her butt!

10) Madonna’s shampoo collection. What every drag queen and bald person wants to see: the millions of shampoo bottles (assembled from 1985 to present day) that have kept Madge’s hair forever healthy despite all the chemicals that have been dumped on her head. Only Chernobyl could be more toxic than the Material Girl’s platinum locks by now. How are you still even alive my lady? By some sort of ray of light perhaps? She is definitely one lucky star.

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