Lets Be Cops

lousy[1]

…lets also be crime scene investigators and criminal profilers. If Shaq and Steven Seagal did it, why not an unemployed macaroni gluer from Southern California? After watching the 2000th episode of the TV show “Forensic Files” (yeh, yeh 78% of the episodes were repeats), I’ve come to gather some of my own arm chair statistics in the same tradition as professional criminal profilers. You can think of me as Clarice Starling of “Silence of the Lambs” minus the good skin and the willpower not to suck down a warehouse full of donuts… boxes and all. I have come to profile the types of killers lingering in major American cities. Nevermind that the closest I’ve ever been to exercising my forensic skills is when I check for the wetness factor on my son’s toothbrush to make sure he isn’t lying to me about his hygiene. Let’s hope the kid never wises up to check mine.

Note: Please send all hate male to the post office.


 

New York City: the “Hey, it’s just business” killer

Its business as usual in the Big Apple.

Its business as usual in the Big Apple.

Detroit: the “Drive By” killer

Washington D.C.: the “Patriotic Act” killer

Atlanta: the Braves success killer

Baldy has a hobby suggestion for bored Minneapolis folk: Photobombing. Horse hairdo courtesy Hay-Day Salon.

Baldy has a hobby suggestion for bored Minneapolis folk: Photobombing. Horse hairdo courtesy Hay-Day Salon.

Minneapolis: the bored killer

Miami: the “I’m too sexy for this blood” killer

Miami folk love their vices.

Miami folk love their vices.

Birmingham: “The white cloaks are coming” killer

New Orleans: the “I was drunk off my ass” killer

St. Louis: the “Just passin’ through” killer

Houston: the “Serial Killer” killer

Beyoncé.  Don't forget where she originated from, along with all other bull shi....

Beyoncé.
Don’t forget where she originated from, along with all other bull shi….

El Paso: the “Run for the border” killer

Wichita:  “The tornado did it” killer

Salt Lake City:  the “Expendable wife” killer

 

If you're in Salt Lake City, don't forget to drop by the Red Iguana for killer Mexican food. Bring all the wives.

If you’re in Salt Lake City, don’t forget to drop by the Red Iguana for killer Mexican food. Bring all the wives.

Las Vegas: the “It’s just for show” killer

Anchorage: the “Oh, crap, I meant to shoot the animal” killer

Seattle: the “Mud on the boots” killer

 

I have no idea what the hell this map means, but must mean something to Seattleites

I have no idea what the hell this map means, but must mean something to Seattleites

San Francisco: the “Vegan, environmentally friendly” killer

Los Angeles: the “I did it for the fame” killer

L.A. natives see crime so often, barricade tape is now readily available at local 99 cent stores, available for weddings, birthday parties, and funerals.

L.A. natives see crime so often, barricade tape is now readily available at local 99 cent stores, available for weddings, birthday parties, and funerals.

 

And last but not least, my hometown: DRUMMMMMMMROLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

San Diego: the “Fuck this job!” killer whale

Shamu says "Take this job and shove it!"

Shamu says “Take this job and shove it!”

 

As you can see, the FBI’s got my number…eh, maybe for all the wrong reasons.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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