Exile on Abat Street: Tracking Edward Snowden


       Hello N.S.A.!  At least someone is reading this other than my other self. Welcome readers to our “Age of Intrusion”. If you thought getting frisked at the airport was a personal violation, try getting stuck in a country for a year where Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups aren’t even sold within a couple hundred square miles simply because you provided proof in what everyone already suspected;  Tio Sam has dibs on your movements. A shortage of American candy is just one of the plights whistleblower Edward Snowden seems to be experiencing at the moment.

Edward Snowden in his Sega Genesis years.

Edward Snowden in his Sega Genesis years.

      Since his temporary asylum in Russia, many have speculated what “Eddy” might be up to besides media briefs and managing his goatee. For centuries, history has demonstrated that some people achieve their best work while in exile (Think Moses post-Egypt…also Dante, Marcel Duchamp, and the Dalai Lama).  We have yet to see what Mr. Snowden may be up to.

Could "Eddy" have relieved himself in this Russian toilet?

Could “Eddy” have relieved himself in this Russian toilet?

      The following is a list of activities I imagine the “Snow Man” would be doing besides hacking into Obama’s Flicker account to post pictures of Russian toilets Edward has relieved himself in.

1)    VODKA my friend! (Cliché’s are hiccups of the mind.)

2)    Donated his last U.S. silver quarter to the Kremlin’s famous cat circus.

3)    Slept through nightmares of Hillary Clinton raping him with a microphone and the US Government wire-tapping his Cocoa Puffs cereal.

4)    Attempted to send a letter to his mom and pop with his new alias Dr. Phree Menow.

5)    Vodka my friend! (Hiccup)

6)    Lives through his Second Life virtual world avatar character named Akdov (“vodka” spelled backwards), a Russian supermodel born without eyebrows or a bellybutton on her vision quest to raise money to save “ugly children” using plastic surgery.

7)    Wrote The Guardian newspaper to let them know he is still alive and is out of guacamole.

8)    Is attempting to find a book on Russia’s version of pig latin.

9)    Gave an interview to a Latvian news anchor in exchange for a she-male body guard to protect him when he orders a Big Mac with extra pickles at a Moscow McDonald’s.

10) Drew a Salvador Dali mustache on his American Passport photo.


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