Books I Wish Existed

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“Write the book that you would want to read.” Everyone has heard this line…blah blah blah. Problem is, I was born with a genetic defect called Able Idle Syndrome (A.I.S). The symptoms cause one to savor sitting around and doing nothing (which is quite a wonderful feeling, I have to say). It’s within all those lazy moments, I get my “best” ideas. How else do you think the inventors of Chia Pet and the atomic bomb do it? So, as I will come up with ideas for books I would love to read, I will leave them to be written by some else not suffering from A.I.S.  The following are books I hope some other sucker will write:

Glad someone else wrote the book on the art of being me.

Glad someone else wrote the book on the art of being me.

****NOTE: For past lists of books I wish existed, search August 2012 posts or type “Rehab for Book Lovers (or Not?)” in search box.****

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1) ROUGH CUT: Extreme Plastic Surgeries Gone Wrong (Introduction by Joan Rivers.)

2) First Trippers: Stories of Peoples’ First Time on LSD (As the great sage Jimmy Hendrix says “Not necessarily stoned, but beautiful.”)

3) If They Survived (Contemporary literary greats like Toni Morrison, Mary Karr etc. write about what they think past literary greats like Virginia Wolf , Sylvia Plath would write about if they hadn’t committed suicide. Hemingway, are u listening?)

4)  The Zen of Homelessness (Everything you need to know on how to live the life of a hobo…someone I hope to one day grow up to be if I just had the right guide.)

5) Martha Stewart’s Book of Bloopers (Crafts, cakes, and cultivations that made it into the reject box and her employees who survived to witness it.)

6) The History of Slurpee (Questions you always wanted to know, who invented it, where it started, why are we so addicted to them? Damn you, Slurpee!)

7) WTF? X-rays of Foreign Objects in Humans (World’s wildest objects such as diamonds, stuffed animals, cell phones etc. found in humans by X-ray technicians. Warning: Don’t swallow this book…)

8) HOOKED: Confessions of Washington D.C.’s No-So-Elite Call Girls (Now we can find out which politicians have the kinkiest fetishes and who can’t get it up. Politicians into pedophilia, aka Bush Sr. is a separate book all together. )

9) Steve Jobs  Secret Guide to Getting Ahead (Want to learn how to manipulate your boss? Earn a chair on a corporation’s board of directors? Cuss in the workplace and get away with it while bringing the best out of employees? This guide was recently discovered under the mattress of the late Apple founder. Yeh, right. Don’t we wish.)

10) Celebrity Fridge (Profiles and photos taken in secret of the inside of celebrity refrigerators revealing favorite snacks and dirty habits. From Ted Nugent’s dead squirrels to Madonna’s obsession with eating gold covered candy.)

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