Dear Audience of Three (minus my cousin in Kansas and someone named Anonymous):
I know what you are thinking…”Amanda, where have you been? The blogosphere isn’t the same without you.” Ok, that’s not what you are really thinking. I just got needy a-la-Kardashian for a moment there. But like I told my mom after dismissing my cancer diagnosis a couple of years ago, “Don’t worry. Bad weeds never die.” I am still here …using my hiatus from this blog in the most productive ways possible: driving around town to find a store that sells Twinkies, Googling words in Russian, selling jewelry I got for free…oh, and I am writing a book.
Since the book is a memoir, I have had to figure out why I even warrant a 200 page plus book about my life. What have I accomplished? Ok, lets not go there. Rephrase: What am I good at? The following is a list of things I can honestly say will give me the audacity to push for a book all about me, me, and more me. Ugh, I already need a vacation from myself thinking about it.
1) The ability to wash one mug a day (hung over).
2) Unmaking my bed. (Too bad it’s never due to having intercourse).
3) Winking either eye while intoxicated (at police officers).
4) Finding the sun (at night).
5) Driving old people to hospitals. (Especially when they let me use their handicapped parking permit). WARNING: This does not include helping the elderly in and out of vehicle or otherwise.
6) Jogging with stinky clothes on (and running so fast past people they won’t get a chance to find out).
7) Memorizing stupid commercials (which means I am also good at forgetting awesome ones).
8) Plucking gray hairs off my head (Now that I’ve gone all gray, I can never lose).
9) Picnicking in my car solo (to avoid coworkers and work).
10) Ability to tell the difference between a dwarf and a midget (One had a Disney movie, duh.)