Fortune Cookie Fortunes that Should Exist


For the last few weeks, I have done some soul searching…looking for my purpose in life, attempting to find out what legacy I may leave behind once I croak on my pop-up air mattress and Sponge Bob sheets. Who would have know it would be in the form of exposing the hidden, multi-million dollar industry surrounding poorly written fortune cookie fortunes. You know which ones I am talking about…ones like the monkey scratch I got last week at a Japanese restaurant with a phrase such as “Let reality be reality” and “Courage conquers all things; it even gives strength to the body.” Nevermind that the Japanese have as much business handing this stuff out at the end of my sushi meal as Roberto’s Taco Shop would, but I admit, I never passed up cracking open that wacky shell to see what one might say. I am sure Einstein did the same.

Doing a bit of research into who exactly writes these bits of slop (and, no its not me), who would have know, its not the Chinese…but underground cliques of WASPY American college students who intern in Chinese academic studies. Ok, so I made that up. Its possible these cheap fortunes are written by Bengali slave kids…. bored lesbian, one-armed Chinese housewives… or Costa Rican Satanists who wish me ill fortune. Who knows. Either way, I have come up with a few terrible fortunes of my own I would hope would be inspirational to the next sashimi-eating dork like myself.

1) You will meet a stranger that will hand you the keys to your future home.

2) Knowledge is better left to students.

3) Your destiny begins with a beer.

4) Love is alive this month in a french kiss.

5) Charity is coming your way, so shop til you drop.

6) Count your blessings, especially in Las Vegas.

7) Beauty rules when happiness fools.

8) Today, you will get to punch someone in the nose.

9) Program your future; reach for the T.V. remote.

10) Forget about tomorrow; it hates you anyway.

11) Take caution with a grain of salt; thats how master chefs are born.

12) Beware of the unknown; it may bring bad breath.

13) Smile, it’s the keyhole to your heart.

14) Lick a dog; it may inspire him.

15) Pray for your sins ‘cuz you know you’ll never be done outdoing them.

16) Try again.

17) Everyday is a new opportunity for oral sex.

18) Wisdom is better unthought.

19) Watch out for bad Mexican food this week.

20)Believe in miracles; get a life.



2 responses

  1. Love number three. Destiny often begins with alcoholic beverages.

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