Predictions for the Year 3000

“Amanda, the Lord sends me visions in dreams,” my mom claimed on a commercial break from her Mexican tele-novelas (latin soap operas where all the women get slapped or pregnant or both).

“Visions of what? Of seeing my dad driving to Dennys to get his senior grand slam breakfast?  Bad news, that’s reality, no mystical experience mom,” I would point out.

“No, I’ve seen visions of things happening to Israel and many other things,” she would say turning down the television, muting out the commercial for Bimbo bread (yes, there is a huge corporation in Mexico dedicated to dumb blondes and they do a great job sponsoring tacky soap operas).

“Well, why don’t we set up a shop in the garage… call it “Brew-ha ha’s”, and start charging the neighbors $10 a head for your visions. I can do your business cards. We can start by giving readings to the Iraqis next door; you know the ones who always buy our junk at yard sales. All you have to tell them is how Wal-Mart will be in Baghdad soon enough and you’d be famous for being right!” I suggested in earnest.

“Amanda, you’re evil,” mommy dearest would respond, glancing at me as though I suggested getting a doormat for her house that said “Satanist’s Sanctuary” in some fancy font like French Script.

But I have come to realize, I too have “the GIFT”. I too have my own visions…visions of THE YEAR 3000!!!!! 

The following are my predictions:

  1. Men will marry robots, literally (and women will love them for it, the robots, not the men).
  2. Head transplants will be in vogue (but out of fashion by the year 3012).
  3. Hot dogs will become extinct along with polar bears and gangster rap.
  4. Donald Trump’s descendants will own most of Mercury and parts of Earth that weren’t blown up.
  5. The United States will still drive cars and still have only two political parties.
  6. China will have huge factories in the U.S. and will all get fat from American fast food.
  7. Bananas will come in a variety of neon colors.
  8. Christianity will blend with Buddhism to create a new religion called Sanity.
  9. Incubating machines will rejuvenate humans in less than 60 seconds, eliminating the need for sleep.
  10. You will be able to clone yourself to beat yourself up or make love to yourself.

 

So stay tuned for a future segment of my PREDICTIONS FOR THE YEAR 3000!!!

See mom, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, unless some evil woman doesn’t pick it first …hmmm, Eve can you hear me knocking?

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6 responses

  1. I love this post – neon bananas sound both aesthetically awesome and a food purists worst nightmare. The sanity religion sounds full of potential. Great writing – you’re funny!

    1. hopefully my son will freeze me and some crazy scientist will revive me in 3000 to see all of this come to pass…lucky them. Thx for reading. Drop in anytime.

  2. You are amazing. This post is amazing. It made me laugh out loud at least a few times. My favorites are # 1,2, 8 and 10.

    Thanks so much for dropping by my blog. Please continue to do so! And feel free to “like” me on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AlmanacOfStyle.

    Please keep on writing!

    1. I might have to come into Tradesman and remake ME..I mean, Im not exactly wearing mom jeans, but I really love the clothes. Gosh, i need a man.

  3. LOVED this!!!!!!
    xx
    Sooz

    1. Im telling u..i need that glass of wine. Thanks for reading..

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