Some of the most interesting (and idiotic) things one could ever do are usually the result of having too much fire water. This list could include: driving like Dale Earnhardt Jr. in a minivan, singing like Celine Dion with a piece of chicken stuck in her throat, dancing like Usher after getting Parkinson’s Disease, and maybe even sleeping with your roommate (not advised if this is done outside your species).
Like the Irish, I like to think I can pass on this enjoyable hobby to my kin. The following list has been especially designed to pass on that great drinking tradition to the next generation of kids by way of A, B, C order. This is also a great exercise in testing sobriety through out the night.
“A” is for Asshole: The bartender who refuses to give one another round of drinks.
“B” is for Bette Ford Center: The place one is trying to avoid.
“C” is for Cut: The result of a bar fight.
“D” is for Drink: DUHHHH!
“E” is for Emotional: What some get like when toasted.
“F” is for Fuck: The incident one can’t recall.
“G” is for Gutter: Where one can usually be found.
“H” is for Happy Hour: Mass for hardcore drinkers.
“I” is for Ireland: Where one would feel most at home.
“J” is for Jesus: The cool deity who drank wine too.
“K” is for Keys: Those stupid things one can never find.
“L” is for Liver: That organ in one’s body now resembling beef jerky.
“M” is for Mixed Drink: The solution for all of life’s problems.
“N” is for Nagging: What sober living houses specialize in doing.
“O” is for Offer: What one does with a drink to get laid or listened to.
“P” is for Proof: What one stopped looking at on a bottle post marriage and kids.
“Q” is for Quit: What your conscience forbids.
“R” is for Ride: What you’ll do in the back of a police car if caught driving while happy.
“S” is for Sober: A state of being that one can barely recall anymore.
“T” is for Tab: The I.O.U. account that grows larger than one’s bank account.
“U” is for Urinal: Where a man or a woman lay’s one’s head after a bender.
“V” is for Vomit: What one wears as a fashion accessory.
“W” is for Wine: The only booze one can find in a box.
“X” is for X-Mas: Just another excuse to drink Jesus Juice.
“Y” is for Yes: What one never replies if asked if one has been drinking again.
“Z” is for Zonk: What one was born to master.
So drink up kids!