What’s in My Closet?

Unlike most people, I enjoy looking ugly. It lets me know I’m annoying someone somewhere in the day that I have come in contact with.  Here are some of my most ridiculous pieces of clothing that give me the inspiration to be the worst I can be.

Because you never know when you might just be kidnapped by a band of gypsies, I keep this sucker in my closet, freshly undrycleaned, and waiting for Johnny Depp (a la that Chocolate movie) to plant his fingers into my box of M&M’s.




This I keep just in case I come back in my next life as a rice picker or a Bangkok whore. Lets hope for the latter cuz they get paid better.



These are my Han Solo Boots. Twelve years ago, they were the secret behind attracting my ex at a dance club. Two years ago, they were also the weapons I used in kicking him out of the house.



This is what happens when you are related to an old school Mexican woman…you get enough gear to survive three Ice Ages, a trip to the South Pole in an Igloo cooler, and a frigid marriage.  Its the perfect gift for anyone in that glacier forming part of the U.S. we all know as SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA!



Don’t let the looks of this shirt fool you. Its not as innocent as you may think. You know how there is always this one shirt in your closet you hate but for some reason you always end up wearing it anyway cuz it comfortable and its too stinky to take back to the store? Well, this is just that. It’s my unlucky shirt. The shirt I crashed and popped a $99 tire against a curb with one night (don’t ask me what I was doing…ok, yes I was texting…and uh eating a cheese burger…and listening to Ozzy on CD).  It was also the shirt I wore when I got a nasty rug burn on my face from trying to do a flip at a party (again, dont ask me what I was doing…ok, yes I was toasted).  And the shirt I wore when I got hit on by an old fart who reminded me of Glenn Beck with glasses. UNLUCKY UNLUCKY.



This is my Tamale Woman Dress. I keep this sexy baby in the closet on nights I go out and want to convince men I meet that I’m a kickass Mexican cook. So far it hasn’t worked…can’t tell why.



This is my Audrey Hepburn Dress…that is if Audrey gained 60 lbs and went to a funeral.



AHHH, the infamous toilet scrubber dress. I wore this frock on the cover of my first book “Throwing Grapes at Bravados” where I was cleaning a toilet with the upmost elan. Now I just keep the dress cuz Carol Brady doesn’t want it back.



So stayed tuned for future installments of “What’s in My Closet?”  You never know what sort of hideousness might inspire you in your day!


6 responses

    1. Its scary to see what I had been storing away for years.

  1. I especially like the wood paneling behind each piece. Very funny!

    1. Its the redneck in me. Couldnt resist.

  2. That is Hilarious. I love the scarves. I make scarves, but I’m from New England I sort of do it out of habit.

  3. Hi Atiya! I don’t knit nor crochet but that may be a blessing in disguise considering I have even more scarves than the ones I showed in the photo. I was just too lazy to lay them all out cuz then I’d have to fold them and put them away in the plastic bins they were stored in.

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