Screw Paris: Ten Reasons to Visit El Cajon

Don’t worry. I didn’t buy this.

Who wants to travel all the way to France for wine aged by women with armpit hair? Come to El Cajon, California and you’ll find meth, cheap motels, and muscle cars galore! These and ten more reasons are why you should book your first class ticket to what Trip Advisor calls “The City to End All Cities”.  NOTE: click on pics to enlarge.

1) Motels with Free Condoms: Find them under the bed, already pre-lubricated with someone’s unique, special sauce for your horniest convenience.

Home Sweet Home

2)Wednesday Night Classic Cruise Car Show: Bring Grandma! Hands down, the best damn place to locate that stolen GTO you had always been wondering about. 

This post is brought to you by Ghassan “Detail Car”

3) Home of Unarius Academy of Science: Become a certified space cadet, literally. Believe in aliens and spaceships. Better yet, believe they are going to beam you up Scottie. Nanu Nanu!

This place always looks empty. Maybe they’ve already been beamed up?

4) NO BEACH CROWD: This also means no beach, no hot lifeguards, no resorts, no surfing, no sandcastles, no girls in bikinis, and no sand up the butt. Its the perfect place for anyone wanting to hide away and escape that terrible heartache that is celebrity life (Hint Hint Prince Harry…look me up).

Woops, how did this pic get in here?

AHHH…thats more like it. Beautiful downtown El Cajon.

5) Hell’s Angels DAGO Chapter Clubhouse: Come see where you can buy a gun, a woman, a hit man, a hit of coke, or a beer with blood and sweat in it.

Wannabe WikiLeaks…Risking my life for your sheer entertainment.

6) The Redneck Notre Dame: Come see what Jesus would have intended you to see if idiots didn’t nail him to driftwood.

Every town should have their own phallic symbol.

7) Hiram’s Guns/ Nick’s Liquor:  A long standing wild west institution amongst rednecks, ex-cons, pimps, vatos, paranoid senior-citizens, and trigger-happy N.R.A.ers alike elegantly situated next to the best stocked liquor store in town. Surprisingly, the least held up store in California!

WHY THE HELL AM I DOING ALL THIS FREE ADVERTISING???

8) Free Hot Tubs for the Homeless: Well, Almost.

If a duck can take a dip, why can’t the homeless?

9) Your Choice Car Dealership: Forgot whose choice it was to get that new Chevy? Come to El Cajon and we take the thinking out of car shopping.

Holy Moly, God forbid a blind man shop here! How would he manage?

10) ME, ME, ME! : No, I’m not singing. I’m here to let you know I will be waiting for you, sleeping bag, 40 ouncer, and all!

 

The El Cajon Police Station: Where you might find me behind some hardware after this crazy post.

Advertisements

3 responses

  1. Unarius… OMG that’s hysterical. I must use this post as my who’s who of a east county cultural bucket list. But I must have a driver and a tour guide so I don’t miss a thing.

  2. Unarius used to have this old car with a giant spaceship on top that used to drive around El Cajon when I was a kid. Supposedly academy members were to get picked up by a “real” spaceship when the year 2000 hit but somehow the aliens forgot…so the academy disbanded. What a shame.

  3. This was freakin’ hilarious…Loved it…

Leave a Reply

Please log in using one of these methods to post your comment:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: