“Not if you’re a hooker,” my adult self point out adjusting my shirt that had twisted itself in a manner that made me look like I just got out of a nut house.
This was the same stupid hill he used to point up to (we maggots made our abode down in the belly of the valley) and say, “We don’t live on Mt. Helix” when I was a kid. “What do you think I’m made of…money?” he’d continue.
“Well, that would be a start,” I’d want to blast back but didn’t in my Clearasil marinated preteen years.
Forget trips to the mall funded by dads that wanted their kids to look cool. Hello thrift shops. Before retro was retro, it was a grand experiment, a war tactic against teenagers by their cheapo folks called “Operation Reject”. Out of destitution and the desire not to look like I walked out of a trash compactor for the rest of my life, thus was born my entrepreneurial spirit. Here is my list of business ideas that I wish existed but, that will never get off the ground because, as my dear old “I used to use the Sears catalog as a kid for toilet paper” dad…you need money to make money.
- Big Peeties. This would be a Hooters for woman where giant sausages would be served by men with nice pecs. There is nothing like watching a crafting show and having Marco clean the barbecue off my fingers.
- Beer Runs. No, I don’t mean what happens the day after a binge. What I’m proposing is a company that will deliver a six pack or box of pink zinfandel to my door a la Domino’s pizza style.
- Mall Rats. This would be the name of my business if I were to set up a drop off site for children while their parents had a chance to shop around the mall without little John John putting his boogers on merchandise.
Sex Box. This would be Wii for adults. This may already exist but, I am too lazy to Google it, and too afraid of what perverts I may find on such web pages. I just want to have a version that directly connects to David Beckham or Prince Harry’s secret man cave.
- Diet Utensils. I can’t believe I am suggesting this, seeing that diets to me are worse than American waterboarding. Still, these would be forks, spoons, knives, etc that when used to eat with, shall administer a terrible taste in one’s mouth. The perfect way to control eating that birthday cake or cutting back on marijuana brownies. Choose from your favorite terrible flavors: pepper, chili powder, toe cheese, or spoiled milk.
So there you have it. Five possible ways to get that house on the hill. Five possible ways to get back at a dad who preferred seeing me turn Christian than seeing me turn around modeling Calvin Klein jeans. Five possible kick start companies to fund those trips to Saks or the Apple Store. Five ways to pay for those escort services. Now if I could just find my way off this street corner, maybe I would get somewhere.