I don’t need anymore books. In fact, like a wino, I need rehab…rehabilitation for book lovers. I need to stop thinking about books. I need to stop reading so many. I need to stop collecting them. I need to take up something else as a hobby…like drinking perhaps. Oh, wait, I already tried that.
“Why do u have so many books?” my ex used to ask. This question coming from a man who never made it past being an avid reader of beer bottles and movie titles on free porn sites.
“I want to make sure I have plenty to read if we ever have a massive earthquake. What would you rather be buried under…piles of useless junk from Pottery Barn or some good books?” I would point out, knowing he was probably thinking of stock piles of craft beers lining his walls to tide him over during an 8.0 on the Richter Scale.
Whenever I start feeling guilty for buying yet another book, especially the heavy, expensive habit of collecting coffee table books, I tell myself, “Well, its not like I buy every title I come across. I do have a limit over what sorts of books I would never buy. I have some self control.”
The following are titles of coffee table books I would never buy:
- D.M.V.s of the World
- Splendid Dentistry
- Missing Children: An American History
- Aiming High: The Airplane Cuisine Cookbook
- Decorating with Coffee Table Stains
- Too Much Money, Too Much Time (A Warren Buffet Retrospective)
- Under the Eye Patch (in 3d photos)
- The Zen of Incarceration
- Bible Doodles (notes and drawings during boring church sermons)
- Perpetual Bliss: Gore Vidal’s Best One Liners
- Dante’s “Divine Comedy” illustrated in Legos
- Frida Khalo’s Fabuloso Secret Family Cookbook
- Going Wild: Tattoo Typos
- Millionaire Geek Inventions Gone Wrong
- Politicians Resembling Their Pets (featuring Barney Frank and his pitbull Nixon)
- Architectural Undigested: Tacky Interiors of the Wealthy
Of course, all these coffee table books, both the ones from heaven and hell, are all part of my imagination, which just goes to show you, I need some sort of rehab. Anyone looking forward to an earthquake has definately got a problem.